The Price of Loneliness
by haydenisheaven2000
Summary: He pushed the cold iron to the center of his forehead and pressed his finger into the trigger. Warning: Angst and character death...not episode based.
1. A Lost Soul

**Author: Haydenisheaven2000 (Kayla)  
Genre: Tragedy/Angst  
Rating: Strong T but may go up in later chapters  
Summary: AU; Dean's gone...what becomes of the Winchester family and how do they cope with not knowing why he's gone?  
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural...just this fic.  
A/N: This is based off of the plot line of Mummyluvr's video How Do You Get That Lonely (Thanks again for letting me do this.) Please click on my username to view the video...I'm going to put a link in my profile. The chapters will get longer. **

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Price of Loneliness**

Dean Winchester sat at the edge of his twin bed in yet another crappy motel. How had his life turned into this...day to day of just trying to get by? Why had he let it get this bad? He wished that he knew the answers to these questions because god knew it would solve a lot of his problems.

He was 24 and completely alone, no matter how many times he tried to look at things different. He could turn things into different perspectives...look at things in a different light but in the end he was still alone. His dad had left hours ago for another hunting trip...he hadn't even said goodbye. When Dean had woken up he'd found a single note tossed carelessly next to him.

_Went to the cave. Coming back late_

_-dad-_

Eight words. That was all he was worth in the man's eyes...eight fucking words. There wasn't an 'I love you son' or a 'Be safe,' just something fast and unpersonal. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd actually gotten heartfelt words from anyone. He climbed to his bare feet and began to pace the floor.

His dad was never around and Sam had left him years ago. He hadn't heard from his little brother since that fateful night when the teen had packed up his belongings and walked away from everything for the sake of being normal. Dean would kill for normal right now...for anything near normal.

Eventually though he'd come to one simple conclusion. People will always leave you and most of them will never come back.

His mom was a great example of this. She'd died and left him to take over responsibilites no four year old should have. God he missed her every single day. Her death had been the event to change the Winchester family...her death had killed the man his father used to be and replaced him with a drill sargent. Her death had cost Dean his innocence...his childhood. He wished that he could go back to a time when normal was possible...when life was good.

Something on his nightstand caught his eye. The silver firearm glistened in the dim light of the room and brought all attention to itself. He moved towards it and placed it in his palm.

Suicide. It had always been an option for him. It wasn't a very bright or appealing one but an option nonetheless. It felt good in his hands and in that one moment he knew what he had to do.

Laying the gun down for a moment, he scrambled around looking for a piece of paper and something to write with. For five minutes he busied himself with writing a letter to his father and Sam. Just one letter written in black ink, but for once in his life he let himself show emotion.

When he was finished he folded it into a square, threw it into a drawer and then brushed away the few tears that had collected themselves in the corner of his eyes. It was time. Gripping the gun shakily in his right hand and said a prayer aloud.

"Please God...take me to see my mom. I need her and I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this."

He pressed the cold iron to the center of his forhead and pressed his finger into the trigger. As the gun went off and the bullet flew he saw his life flash before his eyes. Every memory and every moment. From Sam walking and talking to his mother's laugh. Then to everyone leaving and the years of hunting. In the seconds that followed he met the darkness permentally.

Somewhere in the darkness of the world the angels sobbed heavily for the soul that was lost too soon and the fall out that would result because of it.

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**Please push the pretty purple botton and review. big grin**


	2. Too Late

**Author: Haydenisheaven2000 (Kayla)  
Genre: Tragedy/Angst  
Rating: Strong T but may go up in later chapters  
Summary: AU; Dean's gone...what becomes of the Winchester family and how do they cope with not knowing why he's gone?  
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural...just this fic.  
A/N: Here is the next chapter...John finds out. It was hard for me to write but I tried to make it as emotional and easy to read as possible. lol. Flashback in italics **

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The room was pitch black as John pushed open the door and stepped quietly through their small "home." He tossed his bag wordlessly to a chair as he passed it. Then without a single thought he fell exhaustingly to the bed before reaching over and flicking on the dim bedside lamp.

The hunt had been long and hard. More than once he'd felt in over his head and found himself wishing that Dean had gone with him that morning. Eventually though he'd managed to kill the beast that had been murdering the townsfolk one by one. It had been a strenuous process and for once in his life all he wanted to do was relax. Repressing a sigh, he spared a glance to the bed his son had claimed.

The blankets were ruffled and unmade, but the bed itself was empty. He ignored the feeling of worry that had swept over him and assured himself that Dean had just gone to a bar. Bending over, he kicked off his worn boots and made his way to the tiny bathroom the room had come equipped with.

While showering he continued to tell himself that his son was fine...that everything was ok. Yet no matter how many times he said that nothing was wrong, the feeling of uneasiness didn't subside.

Ten minutes later he was clean and changed into fresh clothes. The older man opened the bathroom door as crisp steam poured from the room. He finally saw what he'd missed in that moment. He saw destruction, pain and failure in himself right before his eyes.

Dean lay face down on the wooden floor. Blood surrounded him in all directions and a pistol rested loosely in his hand. Shock overcame the man as he was thrown harshly to the ground. He tried to stand but his knees continued to buckle from under him.

"No," The man's gruff voice was nothing but a whisper now. Slowly he managed to crawl to the bloodied young man. He closed his eyes and blindly used his hands to flip Dean onto his back. His son's eyes were clenched together as if he didn't want to see another reminder of his life...just savor the touch of the gun and its power.

The small hole in his forehead had long since stopped bleeding and that alone told him that the death had occurred hours ago. Sobs began to consume him as he caught sight of Dean's lips curled in an angle of sorrow.

"No! C'mon, Ace, you can't leave me like this...c'mon Buddy." John's heart refused to accept this. Dean was a hero. He saved countless lives every day with his presence and skills. Heroes didn't buckle into pressure. They didn't give into the pain. "Dean, please."

The plea was heard by nothing but his own ears. Forcing his eyes shut he tried to will away the tears and convince himself that this was nothing but a dream. Yet every time he reopened his eyes the reality would hit him full force. His son was dead at his own hands.

He fumbled numbly with his jacket pocket and pulled out the small silver phone Dean had made him get nearly ten years ago.

_"C'mon Dad. Please. What if something happens and you need us...or if we need you." The fifteen year old sounded more like ten as he begged his father. _

_"Dean." The warning tone...that always stopped the boy in his tracks. Apparently that wouldn't work this time. _

_"Dad...we can't lose you yet and I won't let you die if there's something we can do to stop it. Please, do it for me and Sammy." _

_John nodded numbly. He'd never been able to refuse a plea like that and the argument was a good one. "Tomorrow." _

_Dean gave him a wide smile. "Thanks Dad." The teenager turned on his heels and walked quickly from the room. John could faintly hear his conversation in the next room. "Guess what Sammy?" _

He wiped away a few more tears before dialing three numbers and waiting for the words he knew were to come.

"911, what's your emergency?"

The woman on the other end of the phone listened intently as John tried to explain everything to her. There were gaps in the story from the details he didn't know and the hysteria he was experiencing. Once the woman had insured him that help was being dispatched, she hung up.

Without giving it a second thought he did something that he hadn't done in nearly 20 years. He gathered Dean's broken body into his arms and cried for the son he'd lost...for the son he'd never really appreciated. The tears continued to fall as his life fell apart around him.

He cried as the EMTs came and took the boy away. Tears fell in sheets as the sheriff drove him to the hospital though he already knew that Dean's fate had been sealed. John cried like he hadn't since Mary had been brutally murdered all those years ago. The salty tears were a mix of emotions...sadness for Dean. And hatred for himself...for letting things go this far.

Hours had passed since his son had been ripped from his grasp and the day wasn't quite over. Minutes from midnight he called and left a message for the one person that he needed to see. With new tears coming down he spoke.

"Sam...it's Dad," he prayed that the youngest boy could make out the words over the tears. "I...Dean...I'm coming to Stanford...there's something I need to talk to you about." He was about to close the phone when he thought of Dean's broken body sprawled out on the floor. "I love you, Son."

**Now I have a favor to ask you. Please push the purple button in the corner of your screen. I'm begging you here. is the only place that I get actual reviews and I'd really really appreciate it if you guys (silent readers) would tell me what you think as well as the ones that have already reviewed on chapter one. Thanks!**


	3. Not Invincible

**A/N:** I realize that most of you probably hate me. I suck at this whole updating thing this year...I've had a rough time and apparently 2006 has been the year for everything to fall apart. In August my grandmother passed away...I miss her everyday and I wish that I'd gotten to tell her goodbye...just tell her I loved her. A week later I had to start school and return to the many term papers and assignments my teachers love, so fics got pushed aside. This is actually the first fic that I have updated because I realized that I could convey so many similar emotions through Sam. I'm so sorry that I have been such a terrible writer and most likely a disappointment to potential fans of 'The Price of Loneliness' Once again I apologize to all of you. But in other news...finally an update. 

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters...I make no profit off of this.**

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Twenty year old Sam Winchester awoke from his peaceful sleep by an intense and irritating knocking. Casting a glance towards his sleeping girlfriend, Jess, he gently tossed away the warm seclusion of the blankets and stumbled to his feet.

The bedside clock blinking the luminescent 3:27 only added to his discomfort. Whoever was outside better have had a damn good reason for waking him up this early on his day off from classes.

Pulling back the beige window curtain enough to peek outside, he moved his eyes towards the porch. Ignoring any sharp intakes of worry he walked quickly to the door and opened it with a slow jerk.

"Dad?" His voice was merely a whisper in the wind...barely there and inaudible.

"Sammy. Can I...can I come in?" His father didn't look him directly in the eyes which was by far one of the strangest behaviors he'd seen to date. John Winchester hunter-extraordinaire...ignoring his son's facial expressions. That was a great one.

Despite all of that the younger man moved to the side and ushered him inside and towards the small kitchen that the apartment possessed. "What's going on, Dad? Why are you here?" He tried to keep all venom clear from his voice.

"It's Dean, he's..."

A faint, feminine voice stopped the man from speaking. "Sam? Sam, honey?"

His son seemed unalarmed. "Kitchen!" Graceful footsteps approached quickly before the woman forming them came to stand next to his boy.

She had blonde hair the color of golden rays of sunshine. A white gown cascaded down her features and a confused expression rested on her face. "Sam?"

"Jess, this is my dad, John Winchester. Dad, Jess is my girlfriend."

John nodded against the feelings of loss for his family and managed to muster a small smile. "Nice to meet you." Jess gave a small nod and gripped Sam's arm in a notion of comfort.

"So, my dad was just about to reveal the reason behind his oh so pleasant visit." Sam's voice was laced with sarcasm and man inwardly groaned but gave a sorrowful nod.

"Sam...Dean's gone."

The younger Winchester shot his father a defiant look that masked his concern and gave a slight shrug. "So he went out to a bar...met some chick...he'll stumble back eventually. He always does."

John shook his head as tears once again welled in his eyes. "Not that kind of gone, Sam. Your brother, oh god, Dean's dead, Sammy. Dean's dead." The older man's face feel into his hands as he struggled to contain himself.

Sam's composure immediately changed. Gone was the emotionless man and replaced was the ten year old boy who thought his brother was invincible. "No...no." His legs gave out and he fell to the tile with a crash. Jess moved smoothly next to him. Sobs consumed him but he couldn't slow them. Somehow he managed to form one word. "How?"

His father looked up and met his eyes for the first time that night. "We were working on a job...I went out and he stayed behind. I thought he deserved a break...just some down time. I came back late and his bed was empty. I just...I just thought he went out for a drink. I showered and changed." The man's voice became distant now as if he was trying to avoid the memories likely to consume him. "I came out of the bathroom and there was my boy. He was on the ground...blood...I. Just a gunshot wound. He was already gone." Tears fell like rain from his eyes.

"Do you know what did it?"

John looked away as he realized that Sam wanted an answer that he wasn't sure he wanted to give. Sam wanted to know if he knew the monster responsible...what was wrong with this world. "Nothing...Dean...he killed himself. He did it himself."

A fragile silence followed that was shattered in a single moment. A cry broke through the reverie that conveyed more pain than anything should. It was a cry of the loss of a brother...of a protector. A cry of a startling realization and guilt. And a cry of a little boy who just learned that even superheroes aren't invincible.


	4. Promise Broken

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural; Flashback in italics; Also please excuse some time mistakes…I'm not the best with calculating distance and time. Hehe. **

Sam lay on the small couch with his hands over his damp eyes. His father sat in an armchair, Jess on the nearby coffee table.

This was just some twisted, sick joke. It had to be. Any minute now Dean would jump out from behind something and yell gotcha. That was it…it was a dream. He was dreaming.

Every passing minute, though, just proved that this was reality. His hero was gone…vanquished by a demon that only he could see. Tears filled his eyes once more at that thought.

His father was probably feeling the same way he was…maybe even worse. He'd actually seen Dean dead. Dead…once again despair overtook him.

He'd asked Dean what dead had meant once…they'd watched some movie on crappy cable. The main character had lost his wife…she'd died. That conversation was still imprinted on his memory.

_(Flashback)_

"_Dean!" A five year old Sam looked at his nine year old brother. "Dean, what does it mean when the man says his wife is dead? I know Daddy kills things, but what is dead really?"_

_The older boy sighed as he looked the younger boy in the eyes. "Sammy, it's complicated." _

"_But Dean…please…I want to know. You said Mommy's dead…but what is dead, Dean?"_

_Dean looked at Sam with tears in his eyes. "Dead means that they aren't ever coming back Sammy. They aren't alive anymore. We won't see them until heaven." _

_The little boy nodded. "Oh…so we won't see Mommy until heaven?"_

"_Yea, Sam."_

"_But what if we don't want to wait that long. You know until we die too. Is there an easier way to get to heaven? Cause' I don't want to wait a gazillion years to die…it'll be forever before I see her." _

_Dean took the little boy's arms into his hands softly and spoke firmly. "Sammy, don't ever think like that again, okay. You have to live until you're really old. And then, Sam, you'll have so many things to tell her that you can spend forever telling her everything you've done. Okay, Sam…you're going to die very old right?"_

_The little boy smiled and nodded quickly. "But you'll grow old too right, Dean?" _

_Dean smiled and laughed. "Yep, Buddy, I promise that I'm gonna die old too." _

Dean had lied to him that day. Maybe not intentionally, but he had. His brother was only 24. He wasn't old…he didn't die old.

"You broke your promise." He whispered under his breath. John looked up and met his eyes.

"What'd you say Sammy?"

He realized he'd been talking aloud. "Nothing, Dad. Are we going back to, uh…"

"It was Utah…we were in Utah. We can go whenever. I…I walked out of a hospital."

Sam looked at his Dad with a startled expression. He opened his mouth to speak but John beat him to it. "I told a nearby police officer that I'd be back the next day. We need to go to the station…and then I…we…have to collect his belongings."

Sam nodded painfully but accepted the answer. "The Impala's still at the hotel…I brought my truck. We can leave whenever." After he trailed off, Sam stood and headed towards the bedroom. All he wanted was peace and quiet and definitely not anything like this.

XXXXX

The walls of the police station seemed to be closing in on him. Dean's lone duffel lay on the table before him. It was zipped and denied any glance to what was actually inside. _'I'm pretty sure I couldn't take looking at it right now, anyway.' _Sam thought.

How did the peaceful night last night turn into something this painful? His brother was gone and sitting here with Jess' arm in his he realized how much he needed his big brother.

Dean had always been the one who could make him laugh. Dean had the ability to break tension with sarcasm. _'Where was I when he needed something like that?'_

As much as Sam wanted to tell himself that it would all be okay. He knew it wouldn't. His brother had faded away from existence and he wasn't coming back. Like Dean had said, dead means you're gone forever. Sam would trade away anything if his brother could have just been wrong that one time.

**The rest of the story has been written. There will be 2-3 more chapters. I'm still deciding if I should combine something. Please let me know what you think. **


	5. Laid To Rest

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. **_

_(Three Days Later)_

A small crowd of five gathered around the casket. Five people….John, Sam, Jess, Missouri and a priest. Dean had helped so many people…saved so many lives and only four recognized him.

He didn't deserve this. Dean deserved a crowd of hundreds. This thought caused Sam's tears to amplify. The priest droned on about moving on to heaven and living with the angels.

What did some stupid priest know. In less than an hour he would go back to his normal life and forget that any of this had ever happened. It would just be another funeral to him, but to Sam this was final.

Time crawled slowly and seemed to stop entirely. He couldn't tear his eyes from the wooden case before him that held the last remnants of his older brother.

He felt Jess' arm clinging to his and he knew he and his father were leaning on each other but other than that he was unaware of his surroundings.

The priest's voice ceased and he watched the casket as it was lowered towards the ground. Thunder erupted nearby and rain began to pour from the dark sky. He wanted nothing more than to hurl himself into the ground with Dean and disappear.

He was vaguely aware of Jess pulling him away towards the car and of Missouri doing the same to his father but he couldn't look away from Dean's tomb. Soon it had disappeared completely from sight and Sam completely broke down.

His knees buckled and he fell to the muddy ground as sobs consumed him. His body shivered from the icy rain soaking through his suit but his heart was numb.

His older brother wasn't coming back. They'd never argue or laugh. He'd never hear Dean joke about something stupid or make fun of him when he actually studied. He hadn't been there when his brother needed him and he would never get to change that.

He knew that he could have stopped Dean from committing suicide if he had just been there. If he'd just called to check in and say '_I love you man'_

Maybe his brother would still be alive. There was no maybe about it, Dean would be living and breathing.

All of this was his fault…he'd practically killed his brother. Maybe he didn't pull the trigger but he had obviously added to Dean's emotions.

His brother didn't deserve this. Somewhere in the back of Sam's mind, he wished that this had been him instead of Dean.

**Kinda short right? I just had to get the funeral scene done and I wanted to end it there. The next chapter is the final one and it will be up within the next few days. **


	6. Fight It

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. **_

Sam Winchester sat in the drivers seat of his brother's chevy impala. His girlfriend slept peacefully in the passenger seat with her head leaning clumsily against the glass window. Jess had been amazing throughout this entire experience. She hadn't known Dean but she had definitely tried to give him all he needed. Last night had been the moment that he grew to appreciate the person she was.

_(Flashback)_

_His pale face was rested in his ice cold hands. The motel's small awning was covered in drops of water and mud. He knew that he should have gone in hours ago but he couldn't. The night was black like the void he was trapped in and he felt vaguely calm. _

'_Not much…just barely.' He told himself. His guard was down and he was falling apart. _

_All the years of hunting experience had been eroded away and he didn't hear when she snuck behind him. He wasn't aware of her presence until her arms were wrapped around his lanky frame._

_"You okay?" Her voice was soft and kind despite the situation. _

_Sam let a bitter laugh escape him and shook his head. "Would you be?" _

_He expected her to say no instantly and give him space but once again she suprised him. _

_"I wasn't okay when this happened either."_

_He looked up startled and confused. When had this happened. They'd known each other for two years...why didn't he know?_

_"I was eight and I was thrilled when I learned that my older brother Tommy was coming to stay with us. I hadn't seen him in months and he was my idol." She paused before continuing. "Tommy was supposed to meet us at the airport. He was a big college guy and my mom warned me that he wouldn't want to play." She let out a giggle void of emotion. "She was wrong. We played barbies and had tea parties...he was more fun than _

_I'd ever seen him before." _

_Sam looked at her with new interest. "So...what happened."_

_Jess nodded and took a deep breath. "He told our mom he was going to a party with some old friends. He said he loved us and then left. We didn't think much of it...he was dead by morning. He had overdosed on codeine." _

_Sam looked at her with sympathy and tears welling in his eyes. "Jess...I"_

_She smiled slightly and continued talking. "You know what my dad told me the day of his funeral? He said that we needed to move on because life wasn't waiting. Tommy would've wanted you to live...and live your life to the fullest." She turned to face him. "You, Samuel Winchester, need to push forward. From everything you've told me about Dean, I know he'd want you to live and I'll be right here with you." She laid a gentle kiss on his cheek and then moved towards the door._

_Sam followed her in not five minutes after._

_(End Flashback)_

Jess had helped him get past that one hard moment, though he knew the time soon after wouldn't be easy. A glance in the rear view mirror showed that his father had kept his promise about following them back to Palo Alto with his older brother's belongings.

The funeral was long since over and the tears had been shed. Dean had been laid to rest next to their mother. It still hadn't completely set in that his hero was dead.

Hero…what an understatement. He hadn't seen Dean in two years…hadn't called to say happy birthday or I love you. He had disregarded his sibling entirely and now it was too late.

Sam brushed away the tears that threatened to rain down from the corner of his eyes. He couldn't break down right now. Dean would want him to be strong. He could almost hear his brother's voice now. _"It's okay, Dude, it's not your fault. You wanted to leave…so did I." _

No, that was wrong…Dean wouldn't think like that. Shaking his head, Sam clicked on the antique radio to drown out his thoughts.

The miles went by quickly. The hours slipped away like ice cream melting on a hot summer day. He drove without slowing past the road sign reading, 'Welcome to Palo Alto, California.'

His apartment came into view as he sighed and pulled up next to the sidewalk. The sun was shining bright in the sky. It was a complete opposite to the day of Dean's funeral. Oh, what he wouldn't give for the sunshine to disappear.

His dad's truck pulled behind them as the man climbed out and slung a duffel over his large shoulder. His face was unshaven and rough. His eyes conveyed more sadness than any person should be able to have. It was understandable. Dean had been his warrior…his soldier…but also his son.

The two men nodded to each other as Jess stirred awake and lazily pulled herself from the car. She grasp Sam's arm tightly and motioned towards the apartment door. The small home was just as they'd left it almost a week ago. At least something hadn't changed.

The duffel was placed softly onto the ground as John and Sam sat next to it and Jess went to fix coffee.

"Are you going to open it or should I?" Sam's voice trembled as he spoke and his father waved a hand in a gesture that said _'You go ahead.'_

He slid the zipper back with shaky hands and suppressed a sob as a crumbled Metallica tee fell out.

Dean didn't have much and it was apparent as they sorted through the bag.

Jeans…tees…socks…boxers. Most of his things were clothes.

One book littered the bag. An old volume of urban legends. Dean hated novels but he could read legends for hours. Sam recalled asking him why he hated english but loved to read myths. He told him simply that it was what they did.

Sam picked up a plain blue shirt intending to move it to the side and a folded piece of paper came cascading to the floor with it. He exchanged a confused glance with his father who seemed as clueless as he was. His hands moved without thoughts as he unfolded it carefully.

Dean's messy scroll greeted him and he felt despair filter through his heart once more.

"Dean." his voice was raspy and broken even to his own ears.

John looked up with tears in his eyes as he read over Sam's shoulder.

_Dear Dad and Sammy, _

_I guess this is it. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. You two are my entire world, but I feel like I'm suffocating and I can't take this anymore. It's just too hard. I wake up and I feel so empty…so lonely. I just can't live like this any longer. _

_Dad: I love you. Don't blame yourself. This was my choice. I decided to do this and there wasn't anything you could do to change my mind. You know how stubborn I can be. Take care of Sammy, Dad. He's going to need you now more than ever. You were my hero…I always looked up to you. Thank you for everything you've done…I'll tell Mom you miss her. _

_Sammy: Hey Buddy. I'm so sorry that I'm leaving without saying a real goodbye. This isn't what you deserve. I love you more than you can ever imagine. You're my baby brother…my Sammy. I remember when I was younger, I'd tell everyone I saw that I was a big brother. You make me so proud. Chase your dreams, Sammy and never let anyone tell you that you can't do it. Prove them wrong like you always tried to do to me. I love you. This is not your fault and it never will be. Don't feel guilty and don't try to reason yourself into believing that you could have saved me. This is how my fate was supposed to go. Stay strong and don't you ever give up. You're too good for that. I love you, bro. _

_I'll miss you, _

_Dean_

After the letter was read, the two men met each other with pain filled eyes as they embraced in a tight hug. Sobs consumed them both as they realized that Dean's death had shown them that they were still a family. Death had torn them apart and death had brought them back together.

And somehow, Sam knew that wherever he was Dean was watching with a small grin on his face as the two men he loved most realized that they needed each other.

"_Stay strong and don't you ever give up." _

**Well, that was the final chapter and I hope that it was up to par. You finally learned what Dean had written in that letter the night of his suicide. I know this was a very graphic and tragic subject and I really hope that I did do some kind of justice with it. Thanks for the support. Please review. **


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